oh, and i just remembered something stupid that happened to me today. yesterday i got badly sunburned because i took a long walk outside - first it was with 2 friends of mine who were planning their only kid's secret birthday party, second it was with my dog, nick. i just realized i'd gotten sunburned when i got back home and my sister noticed my reddened skin. it was funny because up until that very moment i hadn't even noticed anything strange about how red my face was but after her comment i could notice it and, what's more, i could even feel that stingy pain that sunburns often cause. how absurd! and weird! anyway, so i decided i'd do something which i'd been putting off for a while then and got myself a bottle of sunblock. so this morning i walked my dog to the drugstore and got myself a non-oily type of sunscreen. as i was walking back home i remembered that cheesy thing about "wearing sunscreen" that someone-i-don't-know-who-and-couldn't-care-any-less-really once published. seemed to fitting. but still it's so corny to admit this. alas, sometimes you just gotta accept things the way they are.
the end of the year is approaching us at the speed of light and i've made so many decisions about the person i want to be like as of next year that the beginning of a new era, as it were, really gets me wound up. i regret not having taken some actions which would have led me towards the path i'm striving to follow from now on. leaving things to the very last minute, i've always been like that - acting on the spur of the moment, and oftentimes regretting my rushed actions later on. whatever, it's a new era. it's time to begin fresh. to start anew. to revive. and to live, especially. not that i want this to sound any more profound that any other post i've written. it's just lame. lame truth. lame, nonetheless. but, still, it's true.
 | Tevet 1 Pinchas arose and wrought judgment, and so the plague was checked (Psalms 106:30). The word tefillah, or "prayer," has its origin in the word pallel, which means "to seek justice." Prayer should therefore be an activity whereby one seeks justice. The first recorded prayer in Jewish history is that of the Patriarch Abraham. He sought justice for the people of Sodom and pleaded with God to spare them (Genesis 18:23-33). Thus, when we pray, whether for ourselves or for others, it should be with the understanding that we are seeking justice. How, then, can we ask of God to grant our various requests? Are we deserving of this? Do we deserve them? Are they within the realm of justice? Two answers come to mind. If, as part of our prayers, we admit the wrongs we have done, sincerely regret them, and commit ourselves not to repeat them, then we may indeed be deserving. We therefore do not make our requests on the basis of what we are, but on the basis of what we will be. Second, if we extend ourselves by forgiving people who have offended us and acting with kindness toward them, then God's acting accordingly toward us can in itself be considered justice. Thus, teshuvah (the process of regret and return) and gemilas chasadim (acts of kindness) are the foundations of prayer. from: aish.com |
Kislev 30
One should add an additional light each night (of Chanukah)(Orach Chaim 671:2).
One should add an additional light each night (of Chanukah)(Orach Chaim 671:2).
Although frequently translated as "dedication," Chanukah also means "renewal." The way that we celebrate Chanukah teaches us that renewal requires something more than returning to a former state, even if that state itself had been satisfactory. Renewal requires advancing beyond the previous state.
I once heard a recovered alcoholic, twenty years sober, say, "The man that I was drank, and the man that I was will drink again." If people who emerge from a deteriorated state go back to the state prior to the deterioration, nothing has been accomplished, because history will repeat itself. To avoid the deterioration from recurring, they must change themselves into new beings.
To achieve a renewal, we must progress. Adding a Chanukah candle every night symbolizes this concept in a spiritual way.
Remaining at a plateau is hardly desirable for anyone, but it is utterly unacceptable for people who seek renewal. For them, progress is not only essential for growth, but for survival.
Today I shall ...
... try to add to my life by intensifying and increasing those practices that are conducive to growth.
from: aish.com
i get caught up in things i shouldn't be doing or thinking about easily. like now - i wanted to write about what happened between my dog and me yesterday. but i digress...
so, we're lying on the garage floor. he's licking my wounds - and this can be open to any interpretation on your part. i feel acutely sensitive to be care for. then comes my brother-in-law. he approaches me because he's looking for the key. as he stretches out his hand to get the keys from my hand, nick growls. i shh-ed him. but i was radiant with pride. to be cared for. the whole thing was so mesmerizing - not because of the action itself, but rather because of the implications on an emotional level - that one of my top priorities now is to make enough money to get myself a house in which nick can live with me. in sp! yeah!
seriously, i almost cried after this incident as i felt so loved. :) ahhh, nick! (L) and apart from this, there's also the fact that people have been doing a bad job taking care of him - he's grown much fatter than he used to be and now he's got something going on in his stomach that makes him eat more grass than a horse ever would.
there are so many books i'd like to (have) read. and so many books i HAVE to read. today i read the guardian after a looooong time. it felt so nice. it was like recovering something that had been lost. it's not that i feel any kind of strange urge to read the guardian, but it's just that it reminds me of when i was still at school with few worries on my mind apart from getting into college and similarly petty goals. now that things are much more complex - and i should emphasize that - it's like a breath of fresh air reminding me of how easy life was then. or at least, how easy life seems to have been compared to what it's like now. anyway, i'll do my best to catch up with all the things i should have been reading.
next year i'm doing the cambridge icelt. i simply can't forget to pay my registration for the course TOMORROW at the latest! i was so glad to have been accepted as a candidate into the course! YAY. finally, i'm getting a cambridge university qualification to embellish my cv, which is rather stale of late. aaah. i know it'll be the hell of a busy year, but i'm kind of excited. i've always needed a bit of pressure to get things going for me and i feel this is just what i need right now to give me a sense of purpose career-wise. and confidence, too. and a bit of recognition. and some extra bucks, hopefully.
i know i shouldn't be using "hopefully" carelessly, but i can't help. it fits in so nicely.
she was holding one of her pieces in the air. garrulous. she couldn't hear my voice. she then went on to say: shall i...? i didn't bother with the end to that sentence and kept munching on my cookies. once in a while i'd raise my eyes over my glasses and hum something - active listening, as they call it.
a good listener always knows when to ah and erm.
DROP THE DRAMA, DARLING
of when suicide starts to seem like a good idea...
what's that called? alliteration, eh?
SHITE
i see santa hanging from the chimney. he's holding a bell on his right hand - frozen, beguiling, silently watching me. he seems to have a grin on his face. but i'm not really sure if it's a grin or if he's just pouting his fat lips. upon closer scrutiny, it's not me he's watching. it's something that's on me. my sweatshirt, maybe? my chocolate bar? my glass of water? the chair i'm sitting on?
i guess i'll never know.
INTERNAL INCONSISTENCY
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